This week we were asked to write about a stressor we or someone we know of experienced. We were asked to explained how we coped or compensated for that stressor. The stressor I chose was disease. (A note to the reader: This is a personal story that is a bit touchy for me. I apologize if the emotion in this experience is a bit much.)
There is a multitude of disease that runs through my family. It includes but is not limited to cancer, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, ect. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer while we were still very young children. On top of it he had already had a triple by pass, had severe diabetes which was affecting the circulation in his legs and feet, had high blood pressure and cholesterol, and I probably could go on for another 10 minutes with the rest of ailments he had.
My sisters and I were really close to my grandfather. We knew he was ill and often visited him in the hospital. My parents did not hide it from us. I think they didn’t want us to be shocked when he eventually passed away. They wanted to give us time to get closure and come to terms with what was going to happen. Looking back I am not sure whether this was a good decision or not. On one hand I appreciate all the time I was able to have with him. I am grateful I knew and was not surprised with what I would have interpreted to be a sudden death. However, I was pretty young (or what I consider to be young) to deal with death and felt that it kind of consumed me at times.
I was completely and totally devastated when my grandfather passed, even though I knew it was going to happen. I didn’t understand how someone I loved so much could just be gone. I was inconsolable at the idea of not having him around for the rest of my life. My parents told me about death but they never explained what it meant or how to deal with it. I was lost.
My grandparents on my mother’s side are what helped me and my sisters through the hard times. My family is of Christian belief so my grandmother spent a great deal of time explaining what death meant in those terms and what it means for us as living family members. She fostered a nurturing environment that allowed us to focus on the happy memories instead of the sorrow. I fully believe that my parents did not have the skills and did not truly know how to talk to us so there was a good understanding. Their intentions meant well and I believe for the most part they did the right thing.
It took me a good year to come to terms with what occurred. Even as an adult now I am still saddened at times that my grandfather could not see all I have accomplished and even more so…they my son will never meet this great man I hold so dear. Death is a hard concept for children to understand. Death is a hard concept for adults to understand. I believe that constant open communication is the best way to go.
Disease in another country
Once again I chose to go with looking into Ireland. Not to my surprise when I looked up the stressor of disease and how it affected children I found a tremendous amount of information on alcohol abuse. Children in Ireland with parents who abuse alcohol tend to be subject to abuse. In Ireland alcohol is 1/3 of the cause for the most severe domestic abuse cases. If children are not directly involved with the abuse they more than likely witness domestic abuse between parents. There was a study done of 43,318 women. An average of 63% of women admitted to drinking alcohol during their pregnancy. Alcohol consumption during pregnancy can lead to further complications such as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). ( http://alcoholireland.ie/alcohol-facts/case-studies-three/)
Even viewing this disease as a child can lead to a child doing it at a very early age. I was not able to find much in the way of counseling or reach out programs to deal with this. There is one advocacy group I found called Alcohol Action Ireland. They have been stressing parents to speak about the effects of alcohol with children.
Resources
http://alcoholireland.ie/alcohol-facts/case-studies-three/
http://www.thehanlycentre.com/index.php
Nicole, Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. I have no doubt your grandfather would be very proud of who you are today, and thankful to be an inspirational part of your life.
ReplyDeleteIs there any sort of Al-Anon, Alateen type group in Ireland? Also, there is a great book called Codependent No More. Unfortunately, alcohol is also a major contributor to codependent personality types for children/adult children of alcoholics.
On reading your story, a lot of what you said sounded all too familiar. My oldest brother was killed in a car accident 3 months before his 21st birthday, when I was 16. It was a traumatic period in my life. I remember crying when it happened and at the funeral, but then my tears dried up and I pretended that my brother was still away on holiday and slowly, slowly over the course of the year that followed I started to open the door to grief and acceptance of his death bit by bit. It was almost a full year later that I finally accepted that he was not coming back and broke down completely. Eight years later my father was killed in a car accident and my grieving process was very similar, the only difference for me now is that I sometimes find myself imagining my father smiling down at his grandchildren's success and achievements.
ReplyDeleteAs for alcohol or the abuse thereof grieves me deeply. Many of my friends drink responsibly, enjoying a glass of wine with a meal, but there are so many who do not know when to stop and the drama that it causes within their families is heartbreaking to see and experience.
Nicole, I don't know how you dealt with all of that at such a young age. I feel your pain I went through all of that when I was grown. I lost my mother to diabeties when I was 5 months pregnant and my father from cancer two days after I turned 40. As an adult I felt like my world had broke in half both times. You are a strong woman and I admire you!
ReplyDeleteThankyou to all of you for your kind words. I cannnot imagine loosing a brother or a mother or a father. To me, my grandfather was earth shattering enough. I admire all of your courage to share these experiances with me. We are all stronger because of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Nicole for sharing your story! I've been trying to comment since Saturday! I so agree with you as far as experiencing death as a child. My grandmother passed away when I was 5 and my parents allowed me to attend the funeral services. At 38 years old I still remember her passing and the funeral as if it occurred yesterday. Because the event of her death made such an impact, I have no happy memories of my grandmother, all I remember is everyone being so sad.
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